I lived part of one of the biggest lies that Washington has ever pulled off, almost. I served the biggest part of my short but deadly military career in Cambodia. My military records say that I've never been out of the United States. But this is just one small lie in the lie of lies.

I reported to Ft. Bragg, NC for basic training. During the in-processing I was ask if I knew how to shoot. At that time, with a 22 rifle I could light a match stuck in the top of a fence post at about 40 ft. When I told the processing personnel about that I was told to go over to another station and he then told me to go out and get into a van and wait. When 2 vans were filled a driver came out and and took us through several secure checkpoints that at that time I believe to have been in the Special Forces Group area. Today this area is the home of a group of soldiers called Delta Force. It has been only recently that Washington has admitted that there was a DeltaForce.

For the next few weeks we lived day and night on the rifle range. Being green and naive I didn't know what I was being trained for. I had hardly heard the word "sniper". We were trained to use something I'd never heard about, night vision. With the rifles with silencers and the night vision equipment we could work day and night. The people we would be targeting wouldn't know which direction the fire was coming from. We spent a lot of time working on rifle ranges firing at targets at more than a thousand meters.

Our trainers didn't wear military uniforms and no insignia of rank. We were to address these people as "Mr. Jones", "Mr. Smith". They were all common names and I don't believe that they were using their real names. We ask about what we were training for, who these guys were and we were told that we would be told as we had a need to know. We were not to ask for or give eachother any information other than your first name. All mail was read and approved before we could mail it. When we called home our conversations were being monitored to be sure we didn't let it slip as to our where abouts and what we were doing. Some weeks later I told my parents and girlfriend that I was being transferred to Ft. Lee, Va.

The one night Mr. Jones came in and woke the whole unit up and told us to put on our civilian clothes, pack just our civilian gear and leave everything else. When everyone was ready we were loaded on to vans and we took a short ride to Pope Air Force Base. There we were loaded on to a jet. We took off into the night. Sometime after a mid-air refueling Mr. Jones gave us paperwork to sign. Now we had a "need to know". We were no longer members of the US Army! Some hours later we landed in Sigon and were quickly loaded on to a DC-3 and immediately took off and flew again for sometime and finally landed in a hole in the jungle. Now we were employees of a company by the name of 'Mac Air'. There was a lot activity at this small remote airstrip. Mac Air was a company that would fly anything for anyone if the price was right.

The small group of us that were snipers stayed away from the air operations. The next night we went out with our rifles and were stationed along mountain ridges. Our mission was to watch the valley on both sides of us and to take out any officers that came through with their troops. These troops were Chinese.

It wasn't but a couple of hours before we could see men and equipment moving down the valley trails. The officers were easy to pick out, they weren't carrying large packs or AKs. My trainer for the night took out one target. Then it was my turn... So I picked a target and put the cross hairs where I would be assured of a kill. I squeezed off the round and to my amazement my target fell. Then it hit me.... I had taken another human life. I was sick, the sickest I've ever been. It was very difficult to have the 'dry heaves' quietly. My trainer got two more kills that night. But I couldn't bring myself to fire again. This wasn't like being in a fire fight, where it was kill or be killed. It took me a day or two to get up the courage to fire again. This time it wasn't so bad. In a few days I had shut what I was doing out of my conscious mind. This was the first time in my life that I had been praised for doing a good job. I'd finally found something that I could do and Mr Smith and Mr. Jones really heaped on the praise. It wasn't long before I wanted to 'stay out' all the time.

One night while at our watching post, the valley below seemed to be alive with soldiers coming through. There must have been 1500-2000 troops. This was something that we couldn't let happen. But there were only about 15 of us. Mr. Jones for the first time I'd ever seen him use a radio called in the big boys. It so happened that there was "Puff" in the area. Puff was a C-130 with mini guns mounted in it's sides. Puff made several passes over the area to make everyone keep their heads down. Then on the radio.... "we're coming in hot". Puff left the area quickly and Mr. Jones suggested that we get the hell out of there. By this time we could hear the roar of jets coming in our direction. We barely made it over the ridge before the jets dropped their napalm bombs and set the whole valley on fire. There we were at a safe distance away watching the 'krispy kritters' running around. They estimated that we had stopped three to four thousand Chinese troops from getting to Nam. Today the only way I can reconcile this horror is with the hope that we saved a few American lives that night.

A few weeks later Mr. Jones & Mr. Brown took six of us snipers out for a hunt. This was one of many 'surgical eliminations' that we were assigned to. Mr. Jones said that we were looking for 3 Chinese General Staff officers. Mr. Jones led us to a camp that had permanent buildings and appeared to be in constant use. We had standing orders that when we were out that if one of our men was captured then that captured man then became the primary target and the other targets became secondary. After what happened this night I was glad that this was our SOP. This relieved the captured man of being tortured and helped ensure the security of the rest of the men. If we were captured we would not be treated as POWs, but as spies.

We spread ourselves out several hundred meters apart and about 1200 meters from the camp. We waited until after dark. Luck was with us. The Chinese were having a party out side. There had been Chinese patrols walking through the area late in the day. Mr. Jones had moved in closer to the camp to get a better look. After dark we noticed that there was a lot of sudden activity in the camp. Mr. Jones had been captured!!!! The Chinese stripped him of his clothes and strung him up spread eagle between two trees. Through the night scopes I could see that Mr. Jones was being skinned alive. This seemed to be a side show for the general staff that was there for the party.

Now Mr. Brown was in command of our little group. Since I had the clearest shot at Mr. Jones it became my job to neutralize him. But here I was about to target one of our own and a distant friend. Mr. Brown put out the word that Mac, Billy, & Jim would be the shooters for the General Staff. Mr. Brown wanted to neutralize all four targets at the same time, keeping the element of surprise on our side. I targeted Mr. Jones for his throat. Mr. Brown had counted it down over the radio. When I squeezed off the round Mr. Brown went limp. The Chinese officer that had been having so much fun skinning Mr. Brown looked stunned. Now I had him targeted for just over his ear. But just before I fired that officer turned and looked me dead in the eye. Then his head exploded. Every time I close my eyes I see him looking directly at me. That look haunts me all the time. Mac, Billy and Jim got their target too. Then all hell broke loose. The Chinese were firing everywhere. They didn't know where we were at so they were just shooting.(As a side note, I can't shake that Chinese officer 'looking' at me as I squeezed the trigger. That one was very personal)

It was time to move out very quickly and as quietly as possible. We had about ok to go to meet up with our ride out of there. We were moving through the bush as fast as we could go when a man came out into the open. Mr. Brown was about ready to fire on him and then he recognized him as the leader of the group that was to take us down river.

They had heard all of the shooting and thought we were in trouble and were coming to help us. But we all turned and they got us to the river and down the river we went. After about 30 minutes the yards pulled their rafts into the trees growing along the river and we all hid. A Chinese patrol was coming up the river. They never saw us. We had another 5K to go to reach our pickup point. I don't think a Huey ever looked so good.

I had been out in the boonies for 2-3 days by myself. Each night I hunkered down in a tree to sleep. I tied myself in so I wouldn't fall out. Needless to say I never got much sleep. It seemed every sound woke me up. This night I was about 50 ft up in a tree I heard a lot of small arms fire.... AKs, M16s, M14s and M60s... and it was all coming my way.

My rifle was equipped with a silencer and a night vision scope. Five men were being chased by a large group of VC. I could hear the 5 men and tell they were our guys. They hid in a ditch to make a last stand. It was quiet evident that ehy would quickly be over run.They weren't firing a lot, they were trying to make each round count.

I quietly got myself into position in the tree. I had a limb that made a very convenient rifle rest. I watched for rifle flashes and began to systematically pick off the enemy. After awhile the firing began to subside. "Our guys" knew I was close by but didn't know where. They soon took the opportunity to slip off into the night.

I hit 3 or 4 more targets before the VC too disappeared.

I climbed down out of my tree and made my escape from the area. During the next 2 days I had to hide from the VC. A few times I could have reached out and touched them.

On the 3d day I got back to Mach Air and Mr Jones gave me a debreifing even before I could take a shower.

Mr Jones first question was "how many rounds did you get back with?"....3 that was all I had except for the ammo in my pistol.

I gave Mr Jones all the details of my recon trip and that night. Mr Jones said that I had saved the lives of 5 American special ops men. The next day a recon patrol was looking for the special ops men and came upon where they had made their stand. There were 37 dead VC there. The special ops men were down to 24 rounds between them when they decided to make their last stand where they did. Most of the dead were killed by head shots. So they must have been mine.

There was more than 54,000 men & women that were killed in the war in Viet Nam. Somedays I believe that those men & women are the "Lucky Ones".

Their War is over.

There isn't hardly a waking minute that 'Nam isn't on my mind. Then there are those nights that the War goes on all night long. For me and thousands of others the war is never over. By surviving the jungles, miserable living conditions, not being allowed to tell anyone about what I had been doing, I sentenced myself to now 40 plus years of Hell. I wish this Hell was finished.

I must tell someone, so I'm telling you..

Billy and I were boarding a plane at our little 'Mac Air' site, when a sniper shot Billy. We were coming home. He died in my arms. I wanted to get my 'baby' and go after the sniper that killed my best friend. I don't blame the sniper for Billy's death. We all were just doing a job. Yeah, I was madder than hell at the guy that shot Billy. But we all were doing a job. Doing a dirty, disgusting job. A job that has runied thousands of lives.

A few years ago I found out who Billy's parents are and where they lived. I drove over to their home and parked across the street. I had gone there with the intentions of telling Billy's parents the real story of how their son really died.

After about an hour of soul searching I left without bothering them. Why re-open 40 year old wounds?

An internet friend stopped by to visit for a few days. We are both in the same business professionally today. I was astounded by his knowledge of my life over there. He was working for the Army and in country the same time I was. His father worked for the NSS during WWII. He said that he ask his father why he had stayed in THAT business. A few months later his father took him to Berlin...to the Berlin wall. His father said "that is why I stay in the business". Only then did he begin to understand.

I explained to him how bad I felt about all of the targets that had been hit. He told me "you don't understand the "big picture"."

The Big Picture.....

During the Truman - Eisenhower era the cold war started. It soon became apparent that if all out nuclear war there would be no winners. A plan was hatched to bring Russia down and bring down the Berlin wall.

The plan depended upon involving Russia in a little war to drain the country of it's monetary resources, thus causing it's collapse. There were several "little wars" considered but Vietnam was selected. There was a miscalculation in pitting the North against the South. The war would have been over with much sooner had it been a religious war.

When JFK became the President, he was going to get our forces out of Vietnam. I have never believed that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. From personal experience Oswald could not have fired that weapon 2-3 times. The rifle is a bolt action rifle.

If JFK had pulled out of Vietnam, the "Big Picture" would have been trashed.

My friend has given me a different perspective of what we did, our mission & what the real purpose of the Viet Nam war was all about. From his point of view & his knowledge, our little group saved the lives of an estimated 25,000 American lives, not counting causalities.

In his point of view, as result of Viet Nam, we no longer have 10,000 nukes aimed at us, the "Cold War" has warmed up considerably & the Berlin wall has been torn down.

Today I don't feel as bitter as I did when I wrote the first 3 chapters. Maybe, just maybe it was worth it all for the good of the United States of America.....

The idea of "The Big Picture" raises one burning question.... Who is REALLY running this great country????

Well the flash backs are back.... with a vengeance.

There is one that I can't shake. I think I know what started it. Two people in an argument shaking their finger's in each other's face.

Strange how something so simple can set of a chain of events. This is something that I hadn't remembered in 30+ years.

Billy and I were out looking for targets of opportunity. Which really means harass the enemy. Whether it was a lone soldier or a few of them. Our high value targets were officers. You destroy the command structure, the enemy is in chaos.

We had set up our hide in a area that was used frequently with several trails going through it. We had a clear view out to 1,000 yds. We were set up in a very thick brush pile. The muzzle blast would be hard to see unless the enemy was pretty close to us. Usually we passed up the targets less than 200 yds. for fear of being seen.

A Chinese goon was beating/torturing an old man. He kept shaking his fist, a knife but most often he was shaking his finger in this old man's face. With the knife he was threatening to cut his throat or stab him in the chest.

The spotting scope and the range finder said that this target was just about 900 yards. With other shots that day the terrain and temperature and a minimal effect on the round going down range.

We waited until the goon moved away from the old man before I got ready for the shot. Billy watched the shot go down range. I missed by about 2 ft. low and 3 feet to the left. The goon never reacted to the round hitting close by him. Using a little Kentucky windage and made a second shot. I was aiming for the head but instead him him in the neck. The round nearly tore his head off.

When he hit the ground he began to thrash around much like I had seen my grandmother wring the neck off of chickens. I know the thrashing only lasted for a few seconds but it seemed like an eternity through the scope.

Now that scene is running in my head like a never ending video. I can't stop it unless I really get buried deep into my work. At night I dream about taking that target out. Once again I have gotten real sensitive to noise. Recently I was in a doctors office. There were 4-5 kids talking, not being rowdy. Just from that noise I was feeling a panic attack coming on when I was called back to see the doctor.

 

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Epilog

UPDATE.......June 2001....

The flashbacks & nightmares seem to be at peace. I made it to visit the local national military cemetery. I survived that OK... I think I'm ready....... Ready to make the pilgrimage to "The Wall". I'm planning on doing that this year.

On a side note while visiting the local national cemetery there seemed to be a lot of grave markers that had "VIETNAM" inscribed on them...... but the death dates seemed to be mostly in the last 5 to 6 years. Why are my brothers dieing so soon??????

UPDATE.......Octobrer, 2001....

I finally made it to Washington to see The Wall this October. There are no words to describe The Wall. It was a very powerful, & moving experience. I felt the presence of all of those people there represented by their names. It was an experience I'll never forget. There is in that long wall are thousands of names. Everyone of those names has family & friends who miss them terribly. Even though I recognized a name or two, none of them are forgotten. I know from correspondence that I recieve that there a lot of 'post Nam' people who would like to know what the 60s & 70s were all about.

Nam was a lost cause from the time the first soldier set foot on the ground there. There were no objectives and the 'leadership' in Washington tried to control a war thousands of miles away. When ever "Washington" bragged that our pilots couldn't bomb a outhouse without their ok says the command in Southeast Asia had their hands tied.

I visited the Korenan War Memorial and took some photos there. There I met two ladies who's father fought in the Korean Police Action as it was called. They said their dad would never talk about what happened there. They were at the Memorial looking for answers to questions. Their dad was quiet troubled by his time in Korea. He died without ever telling them anything.

How do you answer these questions? "What's it like to be shot at or hit? Did you kill anyone? How did you feel? Did you lose any close friends? ......................... " Tough questions...... especially to try to answer without getting to specific. I can't watch the movie "Saving Pvt Ryan".... what I saw in 30 seconds was too real for me. I understand that the movie "Black Hawk Down" is even more realistic. But keep in mind that NO movie can ever be like being there.

We've all seen photos on TV & the news of the Pentagon and the whole that was made in it by the plane crashing into it. As we came into Washington on I-395 we were right beside the Pentagon before we realized it. There are NO photos that can convey what the Pentagon looked like.

UPDATE....2003

I have joined the American Legion Post 49 and the VFW Post 5910 here in Lebanon. After joining the American Legion I was ask to join the"Marion County Veterans Honor Guard". There are 19 members of the Honor Guard. Most of the members are WWII & Korean veterans. I am one of the youngest members of the Honor Guard. For some reason it is very hard to get the younger vets to join the American Legion & VFW We are ask to give the full military honors at veterans funerals if the family request our services.

We are usually ask to do the honors at about 65 funerals a year. All funerals are sad. But some are sadder than others. For instance:

Last year a man drifted into Lebanon. He started hanging out at Hardees. He started telling these war stories. Most people took them with a grain of salt. Then he was missed at Hardees for a couple of days. Someone went to check on him and found him dead. The officials did some checking and the war stories he'd been telling were only a small fraction of what he'd done in his military career.

None of his family could be located. He was buried at the Lebanon National Cemetery. Besides the Honor Guard, the only people there were his friends from Hardees.

Another funeral.....

There is a 21 year old Navy submariner that we buried in the fall of 2003 who died of lukemia. Some of the funeral staff said he was exposed to radiation which brought on the lukemia. You KNOW there was more men exposed to radiation than just one.

Lynn

More Later......

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OK it's June 2009.. so it's later.

About 3 - 4 years ago I started aucpuncture. I did the acupuncture to try to relieve a problem I have because of side effects of some medicine. I mentioned to the acupuncturist about my flash backs. She added a couple more needles into the treatment (I had over 20 needles in me). Today I can say the flash backs are all but gone.

I'm surprised at how much of this that I've written in earlier chapters I'd forgotten about. I guess the mind is trying to heal it'self.

I believe it was in the late summer of 2008 at a funeral the Marion County Veterans Honor Guard was performing military rites that I got something that I'd never thought I'd hear.

The deceased had 4 daughters. Each of the women came around to each and every HG member present that day to thank us and give us a hug. Yes... that's unusal. The older sister came to me and put a finger on my "Vietnam Service Ribbon" and said "Welcome Home". No one had ever said that to me... That was an awesome feeling.... I didn't get her name but "thank you.... a BIG thank you".

I just scheduled our 54th funeral for 2009.....

More Later......